At the Cinema – Concession Stand Conundrum

The year was 2005, Summer of my 3rd year at uni. I was feeling the buzz of the much anticipated release of Star Wars Episode III- Revenge of the Sith. What vision George Lucas must have had, to have started the saga close to 30 years ago! And wait until the technology needed to transfer his dream-child from his mind to the big-screen became widely available.
Enough about that, this is not a review of the movie, but an anecdote of what really happened to me that night I booked my cinema ticket! This is a true story, as all my stories are, no fiction!
The cinemas over there did not yet have the high sucrose, delicious and wondrous, concoction that is sweet, sweet Caramel Popcorn. They packed the usual garbage of water, soft drinks and chocolate bars. Things that are available at every corner of every street. Feeling a bit mischievous, and explaining to myself that I no longer wish to fund the man’s corrupt regime, I took a stand then and there and refused to buy my snacks from the cinema itself, with the knowledge that they mark-up all their products. I was smarter than them, much smarter as you will see how exactly I was able to sneak the food in.

I liked baggy clothes at the time, having just finished my last exam, I was still carrying my ruck-sack-come-book-bag, the ones with the rope on either side that you pull and the neck sort of closes? Those thingies! My ensemble consisted of a wide shirt (Hawaiian!) over a t-shirt and baggy pants, a regular bother-me-not type. So, as I was going toward the cinema, I had an epiphany.

Large shirt + Ruck-Sack + Food = Happy FULL Me.

So heres what I did, I went to the nearest baqala, or grocery shop if you want to stick to English, and hooked myself up with a family sized packet of chips (or crisps, USA or UK), a bottle of Laban (healthy!), 2 cokes, an assortment of chocolates and pastries. Bear in mind, Star Wars run-time was roughly two and a half hours! I wasn’t going to leave anything to chance!
So, after buying it all, I placed it in the ruck-sack, and wore it much like an actress wears the padding for a pregnancy scene, over my gut. I then donned my shirt over it, buttoned it up, and in under 2 minutes had gone from slim to chunky. I even walked differently to pull off the whole thing to perfection. I have a picture somewhere, I will find it in due time (cant just pull it off facebook coz it wasnt main stream back then!).
As I walked up to the gate I was sure I would get caught, but I played it cool. When I passed the real concession stand, I looked at the employee behind the counter, gave ’em a smug smile, patted my “belly” and shot ’em the thumbs up. 
She smiled. Sucker.
By the time I got to my seat, the lights had already dimmed, I waited until the best part of the movie was over, the trailers, then proceeded to unbotton my shirt. Sounds dirty right? It was a down right crime! I sat cross legged on the chair with my supplies on my left, happily gorging myself on junk food as the many destitute, and hungry, people around me sat twiddling their thumbs.
After the movie was over, I neglected to button up my shirt again, and was getting strange looks from the ushers. Now I kid you not, this really happened, a bunch of girls from my row were waiting by the door, and as I passed by them, I heard one ask the other, “hey isn’t that the guy from our row?”, to which the other replied, “no, no, no, the other guy was FAT!”
This opened up a whole new world of forbidden food in the cinema! I could start peddling food to the masses inside at a small profit to myself!
Sadly, it took one mishap to smash those dreams to smithereens.
One day I forgot my trusty bag, and shirt. But had baggy pants on, so I decided, what the hell, lets just get a family sized bag of chips (or crisps) and walk in with it tucked into the front of my jeans. Unfortunately for me, the usher at the door dropped my ticket, as they bent down to help her pick it up (gentleman, remember) I heard the distinctive POP! and got the weirdest look from her.

I just smiled and mouthed something about a big lunch earlier. As I walked away I felt something crushing beneath my footsteps. I looked back to find the tell-tale Yellow Chip Road leading from the door right to me! The chips (or crisps) were escaping through the popped bag and down my pant leg and onto the floor!

Suffice to say I missed that movie, and didn’t go to that theatre for quite some time afterward!
Word to the wise, if you ever attempt this trick, be sure to deflate the chips (or crisps) bag BEFORE wearing it!

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