Category Archives: Funny

What to do in Kuwait this weekend? Fright Night @Sirdab_lab!

IMG-20151027-WA0001Stuck on what to do on the night before Halloween? Join the good folk over at Sirdab for their first ever “Fright Night”!

Behold a night of standup comedy, live music, ghost storytelling, games, and a screening of some of the freakiest short films guaranteed to scare the heebie-geebies out of you 👻

Dinner will be sponsored by @chinagardenkw

When: 7:30 PM Friday, October 30
Where: Sirdab Lab

Free entry, prior registration required. Register at: sirdab-lab.com/frightnight

(and yes, I will be performing standup that night – hence the term “FRIGHT”!)

For directions:

Hero or Villain? Coporate A**holery – The Origin Story

Corporate a**holery, a term I coined last month in this post, is the act of being a corporate A**hole, or refusing to brush things off as a one time thing and insisting on getting your just comeuppance.

I tried to wonder when my path towards corporate a**holery began, what was my trigger event that set me upon the path of demanding I receive my rights as a consumer. I thought long and hard, and finally, in a whimsical moment, the answer was revealed to me.

Eureka

It all started in 2006, when a young me ventured towards the Vodafone branch in City Stars Mall, Cairo, Egypt. I was but a wee stud of 20, almost upon graduation from university, with a dream in my heart and hope in my eyes. I stopped by Vodafone to pick up a recharge card. As I was short of change, I paid the man a LE100 note for a LE50 recharge, expecting LE50 in change. The CSR, a woman, asked if I had change, which I did not. She then proceeded to ask her colleagues for assistance. A shady looking character, bedecked in their uniform, came forth and produced notes that seemed to have been wrestled by him from the nether regions of street mongrel.

Not being a stranger to living in Egypt, where shop keepers have the right to refuse acceptance of notes deemed unfit for human consumption, a right they enjoy exercising with reckless abandon, I refused to accept the tattered toilet paper and insisted on fresher currency. My CSR, the woman, again looked distraught, to which point the shady individual comes back and asks me what I purchased, I told him it was a LE50 card, he asks for it back, then gives me back my LE100.

My initial reaction was shock. I walked out of the branch, by the time I got to the first left turn something snapped within my mind, and a path appeared. This was my calling. I would become the corporate a**hole and standup for the little guys like myself who get shunned from purchases by annoyed CSRs.

I turned in my tracks and marched back into the branch, demanding that Shady (lets call him that) reveal himself to me, I took a look at his name tag, made a mental note, then dialed customer service to lodge my first (of many to follow) corporate complaint.

A hero was born…

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Or was I a villain?

download

You decide.

British Airways to add new service: Colon Cleansing

British Airways were quick to realize how costly a smelly poo was; as one of their flights was forced to divert from its original course in order to land due to ” liquid fecal excrement”, in the words of the pilot.

(link)

poo-pourri-gas-mask

“About 10 minutes later he said you may have noticed there’s a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets.

“He said it was liquid faecal excrement, those are the words he used. He said it’s not a technical fault with the plane, and he was very adamant about that.”

The captain informed passengers that the plane would be forced to return to London for health and safety reasons.

Passengers were initially told they would board another flight in three hours. But on arrival into Heathrow they learned it would be 15 hours before the next flight

I wonder who was responsible for the foul odor?

A 15-hour delay because of a rogue turd…

If you think about it; airlines can save tons on fuel charges if they had a facility (prior to boarding) that ensures that passengers are not carrying any “extra weight”… in their bowels.

Perhaps a discount on airfare should the passenger willingly opt for a “FREE” Colonoscopy?

That will take airport security to a whole new level.

Punishable by Deportation

The following offences have been deemed punishable by Deportation, in fair Verona, where we lay our scene:

in fair verona

1) Passing by a local Veronian and not offering praise and exaltation befitting of their generosity in allowing you onto their land.

How dare you? Kneel before Zod!

How dare you? Kneel before Zod!

2) Dilly-dallying in the streets and not having a clear and concise objective whilst outside your home.

You are a Visual Pollutant.


(watch at 0:27)

3) Eating in public. Any food, whether your own ethnic garbage or store brought. Eat in your own hole, vermin.

no eating

4) Sitting on the sidewalk.

Unless your kaboos is paying for the right to sit atop our holy ground, be on your way.

no sitting

5) Standing in public.

Crouch down and crawl with your belly to the ground like the snake that you are.

no standing

6) Driving your rickety old POS infront of a Veronian, effectively preventing them from reaching their destination on time by a crucial 3-4 seconds.

no driving

7) Talking in public, in your native tongue. Keep that devil speak for your country, swine.

no talking

8) Looking both ways before crossing the street. If a Veronian wants to run you over, it is their right. It is their country.

No-Jaywalking

9) NOT looking both ways before crossing the street.

How dare you tarnish the Veronians car (still on installments) with your filth?

animal crossing

10) Not smoking at the No Smoking areas. Buy a pack of cigarettes and puff like a madman to provide cover to Veronians smoking around you, take the fall for them. It is the reason why you are here.

yes smoking

 

And finally, any expat caught using the word “Deportation”,,, shall be deported.

Can Turkish Coffee predict the Future?

Mystics and madmen have long since concluded that Turkish coffee has awesome, awe-inspiring powers.

Not only can it turn mindless zombies into productive employees, it can also predict the future!

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I have gathered scientific evidence to prove this theory:

in 2007 I got my first job (Dec 2006 to be exact) in Shuwaikh area, where I was introduced to the wonders of the office kitchen! Free flowing rivers of tea, coffee and water to your hearts content! But I wanted more. So in March of 2008 I left for greener pastures in Kuwait City area.

Sadly, Turkish coffee was no longer available in that new office.

By January of 2010 I had made my third career transition and progression back to Shuwaikh area, and lo and behold! Turkish coffee returned once more! A pattern had developed, and so the future was easily determined.

My next move would be to Kuwait City, and Turkish coffee would not be available sadly.

As predicted, so to did it happen! For in 2013 I once again made my return to Kuwait City, albeit briefly! For I found they served Turkish coffee, and immediately recognized this ominous warning with a sense of foreboding, knowing I had to return to Shuwaikh in order to write this error!

And I did, and the prophecy continued, technically. For here unlike all other places, all office drinks came at a price, and hence were not free as previously established.

Fastforward to today, and once again, I am back in Kuwait City, with a free brew of Miraculous Turkish Coffee in my hand.

That, is one drink to which my professional progression is forever tied!

 

How I tore my pants on the way to my new Job

Adding a touch of humor to your lives; read up on the following TRUE story of a most harrowing first day on a new job!

As with all new beginnings, a sharp image is always desired in order to make the proper first impression. As I was starting a new job (yesterday), it seemed imperative to get the image right.

The day started off normally enough, hopes of doing early morning exercise dashed upon the ground of reality and of finding comfort in the deep, warm trenches of the blanket in bed.

When it came time to “Suit up!” (as Barney likes to say) I was surprised that my first choice of suit was not a good fit. At first I believed I had mistakenly taken my father’s suit, but as it turns out, it was mine from a whole ago (and is now in need of  a slimming).

The second suit fit perfectly (a little too perfectly as you shall soon find out). After the wife took the glorious first day of new job pics, I headed on down to the car. Upon entering and placing my derriere on the leather seat, I was greeted with a strange noise which at first was attributed to sitting on a flyer from the many ads placed in newspapers etc. It seemed strangely peculiar as I do not currently subscribe to any printed newspapers, nor do I have any in my car! It was a welcomed distraction from the truth.

I had torn through the seat of my pants.

An obvious wardrobe malfunction had occurred which necessitated another change, lest the change be to my career for showing up in such a distasteful state.

As the saying goes, things can only go up from here! And indeed they did.

I had a tremendous first day at work, where I learned that the employees have access to a gym after office hours (which ends at 4)!

@NBKpage has a sense of humor!

It is very gratifying this day in age to find a large corporate giant with a sense of humor, in this cutthroat era we live in.

During last Ramadan, the holiest of holy month’s in the muslim calendar, I was in the middle of performing a piece of advice learned from the greatest investment guru of our time, Warren Buffet, which goes, “do not spend then save, save then spend”. To do that, I transfer a portion of my monthly salary to a different account whose card I keep locked away.

Now, my main account is with NBK, and the money transfer page requires a reason to be inputted for the transfer. I have been doing this for a long time now, and got quite fed up with the whole process, so to spice it up, I inputted the following in the 3 lines given for reason for transfer:

Line 1: Drugs and Alcohol

Line 2: Do you even read this?

Line 3: seriously?

Happy with my joke, I went about my daily business without a care in the world after clicking send. A few days later, I receive a call from NBK inquiring about my recent transfer (the one for drugs and alcohol, during Ramadan!) The conversation went as follows:

NBK: sir did you transfer money to an account in Kuwait recently?

Me: yes, I did.

NBK: Can you tell me reason why you transferred the money for? Do you remember?

Me: err… not really no.

NBK: (proceeds to read the EXACT phrases entered).

Me: You actually read that? (Laughter on both ends)

NBK: please do not write this again sir or else the Central Bank will flag your account. we cancelled the same transfer.

Me: duly noted.

NBK: have a nice day sir.

So there you have it! they do read and it is important.

Stand up for Comedy in Kuwait @georgetarabay

Mark this down in your calendars people:

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All the details are right there; what are you waiting for?

How to Solve the Traffic Problem in Kuwait

In light of recent road closures and initial public holiday offerings, and despite not being one of the lucky stiffs that were given the day off yesterday, this reporter has had a sudden stark realization best explained in a series of now popular “internet memes” to prove my point, mulled in my mind as I drove to work yesterday and arrived in record time, a feat unbeknownst mid-week:

traffic in kuwait

Give the sudden clarity that follows such an enlightening moment, the mind ventures to rather morose ideals:

close down the schoolsThat moment you realize:

Traffic problem solved

 

 

What would happen If China made Toyota Vehicles?

Suppose that in an effort to decrease production costs and increase output, Toyota decided to outsource the manufacturing of its vehicles to China.

I believe this would be a regular occurrence:

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Kuwait; you got to love it!

August 2011 ( View complete archive page )

September 2011 ( View complete archive page )

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