Category Archives: Joke

Open letter to @FluffyGuy before Dubai

Hola Gabriel! Cómo estás?!

Word around the web is you’re gracing the GCC with your presence for a “sold out” show in Dubai? I heard news of this last week, started looking into it this week with hopes I had a few weeks to think about it, and all of a sudden I find out it’s this Friday?! So I quickly threw together a plan with the wife and we’re hoping to fly out from Kuwait to Dubai to attend this show as there are only two people I’d traverse the airways for in Dubai, and you’re one of them!

I’ve been following your career (in a non-creepy way) from the days of Comedy Central Presents Gabriel Iglesias – which ended with you and your friend on a roller coaster that died mid swing.

From that moment onward it has been a roller coaster watching your career grow, from special to special, country to country, India, Saudi Arabia, Hawaii (to name a few).

You might get this a lot, but you’re the reason I started getting into stand-up comedy (lordaymz on Youtube) – your comedy can loosely be described as “family friendly” in that you don’t cuss, and you don’t go picking on the crowd. Your material are your stories, and they are plentiful and beautiful. By the end of the Fluffy movie, you had me in tickles and tears with the intertwining stories of your son, your mom (may she rest in peace) and your father.

Now the following weekend will be something new to me; paid for visas, bought the tickets for your show and are awaiting approval to book the flight tickets and hotel. Fly in Friday, Fly out Saturday. Just like Elvis. I would love the opportunity to meet with you, shake your hand, and tell you this in person, much like what you said here:

Will it happen? I guess we’ll wait and find out – fingers crossed!

Remember everyone, its Big, Chunky, Husky, Fluffy, DAMN!, OH HELL NO!

(Unless Gabriel found the holy grail level 7 of fatness)

@OoredooKuwait – Tough times, Desperate Measures

Let’s face it, we live in troubled times where everyone from you, your neighbor and your telecom provider are struggling to make ends meet. The financial crisis is showing no sign of turning around any time soon, and quite often this forces us to think outside the box in terms of how to maximize income, hopefully without reconsidering our values.

Ooredoo, or Wataredoo as I like to call it (it will always be Wataniya to me) is not doing so good financially:

ooredoo revenue stream

In an attempt to earn an extra buck (without selling their collective kidneys), they resorted to the oldest trick in the book:

screenshot_2016-04-13-10-35-14.png

Look at the message in 2015, and the same one in 2016. Notice anything different?

Advertising.

Wherever you can.

However you can.

Without incurring extra cost.

Here is an idea; a dynamic screensaver that automatically launches on all idle phones receiving your signal, funneling a subliminal message to “Eat at Joe’s”…

Calling all Crazy Kuwaiti Cyclists/Runners!

Many a times whilst partaking in my favorite sports, cycling or running, down (or up) my favorite stretch of highway, the Gulf Road, I am plagued by the sight of canoodling couples down the beach front, in dark corners or out-of-sight spots, specifically near Corniche Club a.k.a lovers nest.

images

obviously not Kuwait but you get the picture

 

Whilst cycling, I tend to yell out the words “GOD IS WATCHING” followed by whatever expletive I so feel like saying at the time.

This phenomenon is detrimental to the sports enthusiasts of Kuwait, who feel so embarrassed to be in close proximity of such PDA that they give up their sport of choice altogether, opting instead to become couch potatoes who’s only exercise is lifting the remote up to level with their multiple chins and leaning forward to reach for that magically refilling bowl of Dorrito’s.

couch potato

I was not born yesterday; it is easy to guess where the majority of these couples come from; if I were to approach them myself and try to exert any form of reasoning/ authority, I would probably end up on the 12AM flight back home.

download GCC

 

Therefore I require the aid of a crazy local, to join me in patrolling the stretch of beach front property, and attempt to drive away the evil presence that is lovestruck fools, WHILST partaking in exercise, a win-win on every front!

I was thinking something along the lines of pretending to film such activity and threatening to post it online. Should things escalate and police be involved, the recording device would be proven to be blank, and no unwarranted video was made!

And that dear friends, is the kind of thought process that goes through the minds of runners whilst running solo, aided in part by the drug-like runners high.

running dog

Punishable by Deportation

The following offences have been deemed punishable by Deportation, in fair Verona, where we lay our scene:

in fair verona

1) Passing by a local Veronian and not offering praise and exaltation befitting of their generosity in allowing you onto their land.

How dare you? Kneel before Zod!

How dare you? Kneel before Zod!

2) Dilly-dallying in the streets and not having a clear and concise objective whilst outside your home.

You are a Visual Pollutant.


(watch at 0:27)

3) Eating in public. Any food, whether your own ethnic garbage or store brought. Eat in your own hole, vermin.

no eating

4) Sitting on the sidewalk.

Unless your kaboos is paying for the right to sit atop our holy ground, be on your way.

no sitting

5) Standing in public.

Crouch down and crawl with your belly to the ground like the snake that you are.

no standing

6) Driving your rickety old POS infront of a Veronian, effectively preventing them from reaching their destination on time by a crucial 3-4 seconds.

no driving

7) Talking in public, in your native tongue. Keep that devil speak for your country, swine.

no talking

8) Looking both ways before crossing the street. If a Veronian wants to run you over, it is their right. It is their country.

No-Jaywalking

9) NOT looking both ways before crossing the street.

How dare you tarnish the Veronians car (still on installments) with your filth?

animal crossing

10) Not smoking at the No Smoking areas. Buy a pack of cigarettes and puff like a madman to provide cover to Veronians smoking around you, take the fall for them. It is the reason why you are here.

yes smoking

 

And finally, any expat caught using the word “Deportation”,,, shall be deported.

Police checkpoints in Kuwait – a guide to Suiting Up!

download

Its 4PM and you have finally left the office and started heading home, you notice that the traffic on your favorite street is slightly more congested than usual, you drive up and find the familiar red-&-blue police car lights flashing in unison at the bend, just out of eye reach.

You fumble and grumble and remember that you might have possibly forgotten to take your wallet with you on the way home.

And then you start to panic.

This is what usually happens when people are crossing a police checkpoint, however, sometimes you get off the hook very easily, and no it is not that women are not stopped, BS.

Here are a few tricks to staying on the right side of Misha’al Qanoun (Johnny Law’s Kuwaiti cousin):

1) DO NOT PANIC! This is easier said than done, yesterday I changed direction 4 times when leaving my house because I left my wallet at home and there was a checkpoint, even though last week I had sailed through one on the way home from work with ease because I knew I had my papers on me. Ever notice how anyone caught doing something illegal (i.e. at the airport, bringing in contraband) is described as looking “confused”? Confusion is panic.

2) Most cars pulled over at the checkpoints are either:

a) Old and likely to be viewed as a pollution menace.

b) New but driven by shady looking drivers (alas, judging books by their covers is routinely done, it is no secret).

3) For old cars, there is really not much you can do, try being well dressed? Sometimes a guy in a suit can get away with things.

4) For new cars with shady looking drivers, again, try wearing a suit. It works wonders.

So yes, what we are basically trying to say in a nutshell is:

suit-up-wallpaper

Suit up Kuwait!

And try to look innocent, yeah?

The travel conundrum of Kuwait

Riddle me this, does the job title on your work permit hold any significant importance?

If you are not a Western expat or one of the nationalities that enjoy visa on arrival in the Gulf region, then it is extremely paramount for you.

In the beginning,  life was easy. The sho’oun (ministry of social affairs and labor) was lax with job titles. Lax in the sense that so long as you were doing a certain job, you would be given that title in your work permit.

Then the shakeup of February 2013 happened,  and all was thrown into dissaray.

For the longest time your profession in your work permit gave you certain perks such as visa on arrival in the GCC, loan applications at banks and even drivers licences.

The story now is that your work permit job description must match your degree, before it was enough that it matched your employment contract. This is a huge hassle for most whose job has nothing to do with their field of study, for example,  a BSc in Business Administration working as an accountant – accountants being one of the strong professions on par with engineers, doctors, managers etc. In terms of treatment. No, now since your degree doesn’t read accounting then you cannot be an accountant.

Ok. So what can I be, Despite the fact that I’ve been working as an accountant for the duration of my career to that day, and that I previously had that job title?

Their response;  anything else.

Even if it has nothing to do with my degree or daily activities at work??

Yes, even then.

So you’re working as an accountant,  but they can’t call you accountant on your work permit so they call you something else, and this severely affects your ability to get visa on arrival in the GCC.

Just another toil of the working non-Western expat in Kuwait.

How to Solve the Traffic Problem in Kuwait

In light of recent road closures and initial public holiday offerings, and despite not being one of the lucky stiffs that were given the day off yesterday, this reporter has had a sudden stark realization best explained in a series of now popular “internet memes” to prove my point, mulled in my mind as I drove to work yesterday and arrived in record time, a feat unbeknownst mid-week:

traffic in kuwait

Give the sudden clarity that follows such an enlightening moment, the mind ventures to rather morose ideals:

close down the schoolsThat moment you realize:

Traffic problem solved

 

 

What would happen If China made Toyota Vehicles?

Suppose that in an effort to decrease production costs and increase output, Toyota decided to outsource the manufacturing of its vehicles to China.

I believe this would be a regular occurrence:

image

Kuwait; you got to love it!

Morons & Lawsuits – Passenger sues Qatar Airways for “chronic pain and dysfunction”

This day in age the words “lawsuit” and “moronic” seem to go hand in hand. The real culprits however are the foolish judges and lawyers that accept such outrageous allegations and give them time in the first place. Just a few months ago a school in the UK banned triangle shaped flapjacks after, and I quote, “a boy was hit in the face by a flapjack”. (link)

CAUTION!

CAUTION!

The problem is that society now placates morons as opposed to punishing them for their moronic behavior.

These issues are no longer “a thing of the West”, the inane lawsuits such as the person that attempted to dry their dog in the microwave, the person that stood on the open fridge door to fix a light bulb and the infamous “hot McCoffee” incident; Qatar Airways is now no longer a stranger as they battle their own lawsuit over an injury sustained after a passenger was hit by a drinks trolley (link).

It gets funnier:

John Karatzaferis has filed a lawsuit against the Gulf carrier in the Victorian Supreme Court, claiming an existing injuring was seriously aggravated when a flight attendant hit him while pushing the cart along an aisle during a flight from Doha to Melbourne in August 2011.

He has since suffered “pain, tenderness and limitation of movement” in his left knee, in which he already suffered arthrosis (a degenerative disease of the joints), his claim says.

He now requires an operation to fix the “chronic pain and dysfunction”.

Everyone is after a quick buck, and none come quicker than a moronic lawsuit for punitive damages. At the very least, in order to preserve its image, a company is forced to settle out of court, not for the outrageous amounts but a substantially less, although quite substantial, amount.

Only one sentiment is shared for such parasites living in society:

images

According to Brock! @HeymanHustle @BrockLesnar @WWE

That awkward moment when you realize that the characters from According to Jim look like another pair:

In an alternate Universe

I made this myself too!

August 2011 ( View complete archive page )

September 2011 ( View complete archive page )

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