Gorilla Grunting Gym Going Guys

Forget G6:

A rather moronic, yet catchy, tune that made its way around the radio. Now I want to draw your attention to the more disturbing phenomena, the G5 – Gorilla Grunting Gym Goin’ Guys.

Picture if you will the following scenario, your shift at work is over, you head on to your gym, you get changed out of your day wear and into your sweats and shorts, you get in the zone, pump your favorite music directly into your cerebral cortex via your aural canals, you’re focusing on your core, feeling the burn, concentrating, getting ripped, shredded (is it a gym or a meat-market? Those two terms are just plain weird!), all is right with the universe, you are finally striving towards the Apex of fitness.

And then, you see a guy doing this:

Or, simply this (I cannot believe I found this video, it is AMAZINGLY accurate towards my point! IT really is a search and you will find world!)

I do not understand these behemoths, these manmoths if you will. What, who or which female of what species would find this attractive? I’m talking about the overinflation of the muscular tissue beneath this mans epidermis. I’m all for looking good, but in what book is that look good?

I have seen guys with breasts growing out of their biceps, and they weren’t even flexing! That was their “natural” look. Bear in mind they have lost the ability to straigthen their arms and must walk with arms akimbo for the rest of their lives.

Now, back to the grunting. It really is discouraging. Here I am working hard to get my body right, and theres this manmoth behind me getting his freak on it seems with his weights, making the same exact noise you would get if you were to forcibly insert an object, or remove it, from someones rectal cavity.

There was this one guy with arms literally the size of my head, lifting weights that probably far surpass my own weight (including shoes!), and the noises he was making. Even with my iPod at full blast, I could not drown the guttural grunts of this manmoth.

Now, worst of all is to find a skinny guy with flimsy weights also grunting! That is just a laugh riot waiting to happen!

I understand that forcibly exhaling is sometimes a strong motivator, but alot of these buffoons over-exaggerate. There is a way to do it, unfortunately I cannot record it for your hearing pleasure but I will try my best to describe it.

You start off strong with a “HUMPH!” and cut it short, you emphasis the silent ending. Try it.

Go ahead.

What these muscle-heads are doing is more of a “AAARUMPHAA”, like some wild-boar mating call, and overly elongating their decibels.

It literally sounds like they are trying to scare some wild predator in the savannah or the forest away from their kill.

It has got to stop.

Crown Plaza Gym needs to adopt the same policy as Planet Fitness:

I know I enjoy the benefit of working out haphazardly and defining my frame, if I were to stop for elongated periods of time and do ZERO weights, I wouldnt slip that much. Take these guys away from the weights for just one week, and watch the hard muscle turn to flabby lipoids.

This is just the grunting I’m talking about, I won’t even go near the other occurrences in the locker room, where you find said muscle-bound moron with one butt cheek out and a trainer/ friend sticking it to him (anabolic steroids that is).

Dylan Moran, a famous Irish comedian, was once talking about how men and women kill themselves to go to the gym to get the “ideal” body, well, heres his take on the ideal body:

“My ideal body, you know, would be just probably something like… ahm… one eye, you probably only need one. A kind of sucker thing instead of teeth, because they just give you grief in the end, you know. And a long, long tube with my arse way over there so I don’t have to deal with it. That would be ideal.”

This is, kind of sports related, right?

August 2011 ( View complete archive page )

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